*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
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Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
A friend helps you before you need it
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Check your privilege
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media