I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
BRO LMFAO
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class