Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.