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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.