Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
You Might Also Like
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.