A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
You Might Also Like
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.