when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
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me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
“How’s your day going?”
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’