I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”