Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
umm…
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“TGIM!” – My liver