Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.