oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
You Might Also Like
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.