“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
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wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.