“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome