guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
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went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
what it’s like dating me:
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”