I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
welp
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS