When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Tony Hawk, age 6
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.