One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
no one ever comes back
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?