Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
😂
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside