Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
You Might Also Like
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint