Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I’m sure it’s fine.
I never needed anything more in my life
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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