If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
my astrological sign is a french fry
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.