Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
You Might Also Like
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
real
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
DOOO EEEET
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”