Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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ForrestGump
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ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.