Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Wondering how long it鈥檒l take for my boyfriend to realize every time he鈥檚 told me he loves me I鈥檝e said I love YouTube
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 馃檨
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I鈥檒l stop now.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?