They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls