Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.