I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.