If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Just why bro?!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey