Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
You Might Also Like
is nasa ok
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.