[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha