Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Still laughing at this stupid meme
me adding lol on a serious message
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”