My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
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Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Get in loser we’re going crying
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Dammit Chief not again
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.