Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon