Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.