This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
You Might Also Like
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
same bro
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?