Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?