You Might Also Like
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”