Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.