Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
The real reason evolution started..😂
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.