I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
honestly, i need both:
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”