friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
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My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Haha good job!!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
me when I see my crush
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!