just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
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My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
🙄😏😂🤣
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.