[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person