Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
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Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
🤣😂🤣
Ugh but profoundly
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet