Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Who’s your best friend?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.