ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
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[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.