[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
The Sun’s probably Asian.