In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
respect
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.