DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I did not eat the cake…
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Is your wife single?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
one of
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.