[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Extremely relatable.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Lmao
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked